神奇的小王 （8）

副标题： super breakfast

Can not be any easier to make. babay spanish, chopped celery, shimps, eggs with sesame and ginger salad dressing. Of course, a cup of milk too.
Takeing care of myself has became number one task nowadays. alas~

同意

曾有人做过实验，将一只最凶猛的鲨鱼和一群热带鱼放在同一个池子，然后用强化玻璃隔
开，最初，鲨鱼每天不断冲撞那块看不到的玻璃，耐何这只是徒劳，它始终不能过到对面
去，而实验人员每天都有放一些鲫鱼在池子里，所以鲨鱼也没缺少猎物，只是它仍想到对
面去，想尝试那美丽的滋味，每天仍是不断的冲撞那块玻璃，它试了每个角落，每次都是
用尽全力，但每次也总是弄的伤痕累累，有好几次都浑身破裂出血，持续了好一些日子，
每当玻璃一出现裂痕，实验人员马上加上一块更厚的玻璃。
后来，鲨鱼不再冲撞那块玻璃了，对那些斑斓的热带鱼也不再在意，好像他们只是墙上会
动的壁画，它开始等着每天固定会出现的鲫鱼，然后用他敏捷的本能进行狩猎，好像回到
海中不可一世的凶狠霸气，但这一切只不过是假像罢了，实验到了最后的阶段，实验人员
将玻璃取走，但鲨鱼却没有反应，每天仍是在固定的区域游着它不但对那些热带鱼视若无
睹，甚至于当那些鲫鱼逃到那边去，他就立刻放弃追逐，说什么也不愿再过去，实验结束
了，实验人员讥笑它是海里最懦弱的鱼。

可是失恋过的人都知道为什么，它怕痛。

What about Thursdays

Huh~ I just do not get it why Thursday is so hot.
Professor A called me that want me to organize a hot pot party for Chinese New Year that was very nice of him doing this three years in a row. I asked when will be the best time for us to meet and set up a guest list. He said ‘Thursday would be the best day.’ And I said ‘sure’.
Professor B is my advisor, I need to see him at least two hours a week. I asked ‘what day will be the most convenient for you?’ he said “Thursdays.” And I said ‘Sure’
When I meet up with Professor A, and tried to set up a date for the hot pot, he said the best day is next Thursday.
I am planning go to Chinese Restaurant with Professor B, since he has been like a father to me. But he said he only around campus on Thursdays.
Chinese School dropped me an email asked me if I can instruct another program this semester. I said ‘Sure, what day you are thinking?’ “Thursdays”
The lady who schedules student time sheet called me today asking if I can stay longer for Thursdays. I said ‘not really, matter of fact I have to leave early, but what is up’. Then she told me that on Thursdays there is this meeting somewhere for something, so they need someone be in the office the whole time to taking care of the phone calls.
Ok, that is that, not mentioning my class mates asking me if I want to join theirs every Thursday out going, and my coworker wondering I can go to this place (forgot the name, since I won’t make it in the first place) for the drink (forgot that drink’s name also, since I am not even gonna be there) with her, and my roommate wants me to work out with her on Thursdays.
So, my Thursdays literally became the heaviest day. Now it looks like this. Wake up at 6:30am, have class at 8am, go to library after class; go to work at noon; go to see my professor at 3pm; have dinner in my car while I am driving to the Chinese school and get it done by 8pm then go for those social events if I still have energy left.
Wow , what is so great about Thursday anyway? And what is wrong about other six days of the week?

how could this be?

I have done anything yet, it is already midnight~

sentences I read from others and random thoughts

　　 "有些事，我们明知道是错的，也要去坚持，只因为不太甘心；
有些人，我们明知道是爱的，也要去放弃，只因为没有结局；
有时候，我们明知道没路了，却还在前行，只因为习惯……"
　　　　事业、前途、人间种种，好多时候，都是明知道没路了，还坚持着往前走，大概真的只因为习惯。
人啊，有时候怎么那么无能啊？！

C told me that Packer lost the game, I did not watch it.
Matter of fact, I do not care, it was not my interest in the first place.

I spend tonight, the night I suppose to work on my thesis, on watching 2008 fashion show on uTube. I felt guilty for a while, then I give it a second thought that women like fasion just like men like electronics. Because both fashion and electronics depreciate greatly with time. Yet both men and women are chasing the newest stlye, fashion 2008 is more attactive than fashion 2005 and iPhone is better than everything else. Immediately, the guilty feeling is gone.

Speaking of my thesis, painful every second I mention it to myself, I have to make it in a Ivy's-way to get over the unpleasantness. So...my topic will be 'the similarities between chicken fried rice with interest rate swaps' Althought my orignal idea was 'the tailored skirt and interest rate', I do not think my professor would understand those technics on skirts. And food is more universal... Regardless I think my professor will fall off his chair the minute he sees the title. And that is the pure motivation for me to work on my thesis.

Do not want to write anything...

Save Me by Jem
I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

And none of these
thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so bad
I need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
[thinking and thinking]
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
[thinking and thinking]

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
[thinking and thinking]
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
[thinking and thinking]

Ok so here we go
If it works I'll let you know
One two three I say stop

The music I am listening tonight.

See Me Fall
Artist(Band):Lady & Bird

Right here coming to life
No one to blame
Right now up and about
A minute of fame

I've been staying alive
So many days
No fear, happy or wise
All through the way

But I thought there was something
In life to live for

But if you hear me fall
If you hear me fall
If you see me walk upon a bridge
Then don't recall

But if you hear me fall
If you hear me fall
If you see me walk upon a bridge
You've seen it all

Right here coming to life
Nothing to blame
I've been up and about under the rain
But I thought there was something in life to live for
Yes I thought you were something in life to live for

But if you hear me fall
If you hear me fall
If you see me walk upon a bridge
Then don't recall
That you see me

And if you hear me fall
If you hear me fall
If you see me walk upon a bridge
You've seen it all

depression

I went to several offices today for those forms I need to fill so I can kiss school good bye for real this time. While I was signing my name and the date on those forms, I could not help but feeling how uncomfortable it was to write down “2008”, especially, after my name. When I was little, all I want was grow up, yet I never know one day I can grow old too. I would never image the ago of 30 will come to me. Are you kidding? 30! That is hell far far far away from me. But today, while I was signing all those 2008s, I suddenly realized that: I am pretty damn close to 30!
Do not take me wrong, I think 30 is still a fabulous age for women, no offense. It just I am far from where I wanted to be. I always had high hope for 30s, for me that is the age for settlement and enjoyment, job, career, location, family, content with life, in short. And now I am next to nothing expect aging. That is so depressing.
Another thing I need to work on is my thesis to graduate. My professor warned me that I better work hard and work fast on it. The truth is … I do not even like my thesis. There was a moment I thought it is gonna be something interesting and keep me working hard on it, but it turns out…no, I do not even care if not for my graduation sake. Thus, I shoot an email to my finance professor to see if he wants to work with me on my thesis. Hopefully, team work will mitigate my disarray.
Then I realized that I always use school as a band aid for everything goes wrong in my world. Sick of my job, back to school; can not bear with my boss, back to school. Then I use library as a band aid for everything I dislike with school. Had a tough class, go to library check out some movies. Do not want to do my paper, go to library to flip magazines. It is quite plausible given that I-love-study-attitude. But now, it is the time to get out school for real, and I have no where to hide anymore. It is also depressing.
So you see, I would be depressed whether I am in school or out. That is the real depression.

Random Day

School officially started today. Which is ok, I guess, I do not suppose be in any of the classes if my professor did not mess my class list in the first place. Then I was thinking, that was not fully his fault, I did not double check on my list and simply assumed he was right. And now my plan has to revise, stuck in MKE and see where the opportunity leads me. What a BULL~
My life has always been on the edge, but never bothers me as much as right now. Maybe all is just because I am aging faster than I thought. Then I played the stupidest game called ‘what if’ with myself for a long while. What if my professor did not mistook my class list, I would be free to go anywhere now for job or other reasons. What if I did not quit my previous job, I would be the head of the department by now. What if I stick with my first choice and never question myself what if then, I won’t be left cold and cry. Yet, I know, life does not take what ifs, while all those things happening. I thought it has to be that way. I must believe my professor, because he is the director of my program. I had to leave my job, because I won’t stay here forever. I could not take this anymore, because I know I will drive both of us nuts in long run.… And now, I could not help but wondering that if I am under ‘nuts’ category, since I can easily howling for no reason in a middle of typing or reading.
I recovered from my cold, thus I do not have to plug tissue paper in my nose anymore. However, my head is still aching, even just nodding, I fell it is going to split from the middle. And I can do nothing about it.

I am going to

rent this moive tomorrow.

You will become the one you choose

Vivian comes to visit. We hang out pretty much the whole day.

While I took her on a tour of Marquette campus, she kept yelling ‘it is the same… nothing really changed….oh, look that building, just like 4 years ago’. Yeah, how time flies, it has been 4 years indeed. 4 years ago, we both sitting under library window, hoping one day when we get out school we can be the one we wanted to be. And now, she is holding a respectful job in downtown Manhattan, flying here and there meeting with clients, and me, still sitting under library window, wondering where I’d want to go.

After the campus tour V and I went to Bravo for an Italian late lunch, food is always terrific there. We talked about things happened around us, school, study, job, men etc. I did not know V had a broken romance as well, she does not look like a woman with a broken heart at all, which amazed me a ton. She still suggested me to go to east coast, she said from her understanding of my characters; NY fits me better than MKE. I hope that holds true.

We went shopping briefly after lunch and came back to my apartment. I made some ginger soup since she get a little cold too. We kept talking and both agreed that regardless what happened to us, or going to happen in the future, we will relinquish all the fears and be ourselves. Sometimes, I do need a friend as V to remind me that I am not that good, yet capable to do better.

V left pretty late, and for the first time in a long while I slept well.

I woke up fresh this morning, got some work done, and went to lake front for jogging. 30F is considered as warm for a city like MKE. I making a circle along the lake side, when I jog facing the city, I saw the MKE skyline lying in front of me. The city was still grey, cold and slow, but I do not have the uncomfortable feeling that much anymore.

I called my dad before dinner time, he is almost fully recovered from his surgery, which is great. I never stop feeling powerless and guilty for not able to taking care of him. Yet he is so understandable and never blame me for a thing. He told me that he is ready back to work next week, and I said me too.

2008 is going to be tough for me, and I won't allow myself linger around with a broken spirit. I know I can handle it. I always knew that.

the book I have been reading this week

"I am not afraid of being alone."
"I am not afraid I'll make a mistake."
"I am not afraid of beig disliked."
"I am not afraid I won't be accepted."
"I am not afraid of being unmarried."
"I am not afraid of growing older."
"I am not afraid of being myself."
-----Judge Judy Sheindlin,
Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever
pg 187

Things I have been doing this week

Last week before school starts, since my professor screwed on my record, I still have one class before kiss school good! That is sort of ok, sort of not, gotta work on that.

My co-work in the office wanted going out tonight, I told her that I do not want to get them all sick like me so I better stay at home tonight. Which is partially true, the other part was… I never liked bars and clubs, and never in the mood for those.

After nagging about the kitchen floor for quite a while, C and I decided to work on it.

Each of us holding a bush, crowing on the floor, inch by inch by inch….brushed the floor… three times. C suddenly cried out ‘hahahah do we look like geishas (from the memories of Geisha)? I gonna work my way up..I wanna be a geisha….lalala…’ Sometimes I am amazed that she can always holds her spirit this high. We were just going to get the kitchen floor done, but it ends I brushed the bathroom and she brushed the hallway. Two hours later, we started regretting that we were working so hard on the floor, since our landlord won’t pay us for all that.

Thanks HongYing and Yanlin came over be my eating mates, without you guys I won’t have the appetite for anything. Tomorrow will be busy with taking grocery tour. And this weekend Vivian will come to town, oh, nice. Although I stayed over her place in NJ briefly, we did not get chance to do a real chat. V and I, some part of us are counterparts, other part of us are bipolar. But luckily, we still scream out loud every time seeing each other.

某个时候，相爱相伤

女人的一生总是会在某个时候， 因为爱情而幽怨。

哪怕是再不被看好的爱情， 只要适时，亦可盖上‘感情寄托’的印章。

可是峰回路转，到了分道扬镳的刀口， 是抱着一起跳崖，还是分手后仍是朋友就看各人造化了。

所以才会有，‘我死之后， 话为厉鬼， 使君妻妾，日夜不宁’， 才会有‘锦水汤汤，与君长绝’， 才会有‘取次花丛懒回顾，半缘修道半缘君’， 才会有‘执子之手，与子白头。’

某个时候， 那个幽怨的时候， 恰是‘恋爱中的犀牛’的时候。

然后顿悟，爱情跟喜剧，体育，流行音乐没什么不同，是为了 让人活得轻松愉快的。

可是分手的爱情才有多少不是以撕裂为代价的。

闷骚的表达方式便是， 佛设地狱以戒世人， 可这世上还有什么地狱比的上三千红尘相爱相伤。

明骚则是，若要不相伤，便要爱上了一个立马就嫁掉， 否则不知一生要亲手撕裂多少爱情， 又担心将爱人打为外伤，自己却中了内伤。

佛说： 人之所以痛苦，是因为追求错误的东西。

佛还说了：一段感情，即使没有结果，也会在彼岸开出花。

那么好吧， 从此，不再说话。

PS， 哀家在百无聊赖中做了个感情测试， 被告知：“你的真心人是谁？你一生会有无数的爱人，少则七八个，多则20多个。你自己都不知道谁是你的最爱。也许有的人会被你记住，但记住不代表爱情。你戏弄红尘，嘲笑爱情，浪逐尘世，也被尘世、爱情、红尘狠狠的报复、惩罚。”

那么， 那谁谁， 你也真的不必这般委屈， 好似我夺你生命_____________________________

This is for Ding2, I have done this while ago, after he said that 'Life is as simple as you wanted to be. '
SIMPLE is the key, we both wanted to be and we both failed.

"Turn into something beautiful --- Yellow"

Days blur into nights, it just so quickly that I did not realize what did I do everyday.
And.... I am kind of sick with getting so sick at the beginning of.. almost everything year....


This one is for JiaJia, last year she HAND made a Christmas card for me, it is still on the display shelf. I really wish I can do the same, but I clearly know I am not that elaborate. So here is a very Christmasy kinda green and red, hope it works.


This is for Janet, sorry girl, I was going to call you on NY's eve, but I must misplaced your phone number somewhere.

PS, Since I am so sick lately, all the lines here are kinda shaking.... I did not do that on purpose. :(

Everyone, Happy New Year, if it is not too late; and keep warm, if you happen being in a not-that-warm place.

New Year's Day

NYD is just another day for libraries and gyms to be legally closed.
Being honest, I find holidays are really annoying.