depression

I went to several offices today for those forms I need to fill so I can kiss school good bye for real this time. While I was signing my name and the date on those forms, I could not help but feeling how uncomfortable it was to write down “2008”, especially, after my name. When I was little, all I want was grow up, yet I never know one day I can grow old too. I would never image the ago of 30 will come to me. Are you kidding? 30! That is hell far far far away from me. But today, while I was signing all those 2008s, I suddenly realized that: I am pretty damn close to 30!
Do not take me wrong, I think 30 is still a fabulous age for women, no offense. It just I am far from where I wanted to be. I always had high hope for 30s, for me that is the age for settlement and enjoyment, job, career, location, family, content with life, in short. And now I am next to nothing expect aging. That is so depressing.
Another thing I need to work on is my thesis to graduate. My professor warned me that I better work hard and work fast on it. The truth is … I do not even like my thesis. There was a moment I thought it is gonna be something interesting and keep me working hard on it, but it turns out…no, I do not even care if not for my graduation sake. Thus, I shoot an email to my finance professor to see if he wants to work with me on my thesis. Hopefully, team work will mitigate my disarray.
Then I realized that I always use school as a band aid for everything goes wrong in my world. Sick of my job, back to school; can not bear with my boss, back to school. Then I use library as a band aid for everything I dislike with school. Had a tough class, go to library check out some movies. Do not want to do my paper, go to library to flip magazines. It is quite plausible given that I-love-study-attitude. But now, it is the time to get out school for real, and I have no where to hide anymore. It is also depressing.
So you see, I would be depressed whether I am in school or out. That is the real depression.